Fish! And Christmas!

So I don't know how many of you knew this, but I really like fish! I have since a friend of mine by the same name as me introduced me to their awesomeness about ten years ago. So I have kept a betta for a long time and have been pretty good with keeping them alive, until the last year. I had a really awesome red one about a year and a half ago that Michelle was taking care of for me when I moved out and somehow she managed to kill it. It was truly sad. But it's ok Michelle, I still love you! So after that, I didn't have one for a while. But then one day during October general conference of 2007, me and my roommates decided we wanted a fish. It was just one of those awesome spur of the moment things where you get an idea and absolutely nothing can stand in your way of doing that thing that somehow got into your head. I have those moments a lot. But anyway, we went to Wal-Mart and picked us out a fish and after musing over names, (like sushi and moto, because Mandy had recently gotten her mission call to Japan) we settled on Sebastian. So Sebastian became our best friend. We watched him and fed him and talked to him. Megan grew especially attached to him. She would talk to him in the mornings (she woke up ridiculously early to get to work at 6) and study to him. But inevitably, we all had to go home at the end of the semester. So I took Sebastian with me and vowed to try to keep him alive for 1 1/2 years until Mandy came home from her mission. But he got unhealthy and died about 3 months ago. I was quite sad. So many memories attached to little Sebastian.

So after he died I was quick to get another fish to fill the empty fish bowl. I went with mon copain (mais je n'ai plus un copain) and we had fun, as usual, and he was very patient with my indecisiveness, as usual. I picked a fat one that I really liked. I got him home and put water from the basement in the bowl (food storage water. The chlorine will sometimes kill the fish so the water should sit before putting fish in it.) and put in Sebastian Jr. Then I went out on a date and he was dead when I came home. I was very sad. So I went and got another one; Sebastian III. Went through the same process, but this time I watched him more carefully. And he started twitching, just like the one before him had, but I thought it was just the first one. But it was so much of a coincidence to have two do the same thing. So I filled a bowl with tap water and put him in there and he stopped twitching. Then I smelled the water he was in and it smelled like bleach! Yes, my dad had put bleach in the water to try to keep it fresh longer, but he had put WAY too much in. I was quite upset. But it's ok, I waved Sebastian III. But to no avail, he died about a month ago. And then Wal-Mart had no bettas anymore so my bowl sat empty.

But I decided I did not like having an empty bowl so I went to Wal-Mart with a good friend and I got an awesome black fish. He was pretty and big and shiny. But he died the next day. I was beginning to think I was cursed. But fear not, I didn't give up! I am pretty determined when stuff like this happens. So I decided to get serious. The following week (Monday actually) I purchased a 3-gallon tank and 4 fish. And then my little brother gave me the 2 little ones from his turtle tank. So I had 6 fish. But it still had some room so I bought 2 more Tuesday. And the fish lady was nice and gave me a free plant. Maybe because I told her about my black fish and I guess they had a fungus. Anyway, so now I have 8 fish and they are pretty fun.


They are named after violinist composers. There are Pablo and Jascha the celestial (googly) eyed fish. They are funny. Especially Jascha. He can't swim very well and runs into the other fish all the time. Then there's Antonio and Fritz the two little ones John gave me. They are good pals. Then there's Arcangelo and Henri the calico fish (although Henri is mostly white) who just do their thing. And Eugene and Niccolo who almost always stay at the top.

As for Christmas, I am having a great time with my family. I was excited to hear that my grandma is back into activity in the church and is working on getting a temple recommend. It made me very happy because now when I get married, whenever that may be, she will be able to be there. It really did make me so happy to think of that. I am glad that another part of my eternal family will be able to be there with me on that special day. She has also been doing lots of geneology and seems to be really excited about it. It's been fun to see her excited. My aunt is also here and she is just fun to have around.

Anyway, I should go to bed now because I will have to get up early to open presents in the morning. Have a merry Christmas!

A few end-of-semester thoughts

I am almost done! Yay! I totally bombed my music history final, but life goes on. This post is just a few random things I have been thinking about at the end of this semester.

There are so many things I want to do with my life it's absolutely amazing! There is so much I want to do now with my life that I really don't have time for it! And this last semester, I actually got quite sick because I tried to do so much, so I had to cut back a lot. For a while I thought it didn't seem fair that I got sick when I tried to do all the things I wanted to do, but now I realize maybe it happened so I could focus on the things I am supposed to do. And one day I am sure I will realize why those things are right and the other things I wanted, which are all good things, are not for now.

Another thing I have wondered about is why a certain someone was placed in my life. Everything about the situation seemed to perfect and so right and so in line with the things I wanted. However, it didn't work out, and I now I wonder how things would have been if it had worked out. I may have one day found myself in a really difficult situation. Not because of the things people think would have come from it, but because of their struggle with some awful hard things that life threw at them. I saw them slipping and barely holding onto their hope and I tried my very hardest to hold onto them and not let them fall, but it looks like in the end, I didn't have the strength to do it. I had the heart and the will, but not the ability. And I wonder if they had made some different choices if they could have risen above everything and we would have been able to be together. I guess I will never know, but I know that God knows, and that is all I need to know. I know that my friend is in the hands of one who has the desire and ability to help if he will just reach out for that help. Sometimes it's hard to do what's right and it seems like it would be easier to just stop trying. It's like we are paddling upstream sometimes, but we just can't give up. Just think of where you're struggling to get to, and that is enough to keep going.

The next thing I have been thinking about is what a wonderful mother I have. She has always been my best friend. She has always been there for me, and any time I have felt like I couldn't talk to her it was my fault and not because of anything she said or did. She knows me so well and knows exactly how to help me. She knows when to push me, when to leave me alone, and when to walk beside me. Sound like anyone else you have heard of? Even when I have done stupid things she is there to comfort me. And she understands what I was thinking, even if it was completely out there, she understands. Yes, she does sound like someone else I know.

The last thing (at least the last semi-concrete thing) is how excited I am for this adventure that we call life. A couple weeks ago I didn't know what I was going to do and it was devastating. Now, I still don't know what I'm going to do, but it's exciting! I can do whatever I set my mind to, really. There is a world of opportunity open for me to take part in and enjoy and I look forward to seeing which of those opportunities I will be able to take part in. Though somewhere along the way, I do hope to find a good man who will be a good father and teacher and will give me wings to do everything I really want to. Because although I want to see the world and learn all that it has to offer, there are things I want more that I can't do alone. So until that day, I will do everything I can do by myself and enjoy every minute of it.

The very very last thought is this: I am a rather abstract person. So much of the time I cannot describe what I am thinking or feeling in words, but I can think of a specific song or piece that can. Sometimes I wonder if I was giving musical gifts so I could fully express myself, or if I was given the knowledge of the limitation of words so I could be a better musician. Or maybe it's both. Anyway, if you don't understand any of this, don't worry, I do. If I could paint that would be so cool, because maybe more people would really be able to more completely understand what I am thinking if I could paint a picture of it for them. Hm. Maybe I will try it over Christmas break!

Storytime.

Once upon a time there was a girl. This girl had just come to know her worth and she knew who she was and where she was going. And she was happy. But there was a hole in her heart. Not because of anything anybody had done to her. Just because she wasn't complete.

But despite this hole that she sometimes wondered about, she kept doing things she loved and tried to live up to her full potential. While she was doing this, she happened upon a very cute and handsome boy. She was almost instantly smitten. He was nothing she expected, but somehow that made her even happier.

She tried not to get her hopes out, but, as always, she couldn't help herself. She found out some things about him that would have made a lot of girls turn and run away, but not this girl. She knew this boy still deserved to be loved and that he was a boy of great worth and potential, and because she knew this, she was willing to learn about him and see what happened. Then this very cute and handsome boy asked her on a date, but she told herself "he just someone so he could go on a double date with his friend, and I was around, so he called me. It's no big deal." But not-so-deep down inside herself, she hoped it would be a big deal, and another part even deeper down knew it was going to be a big deal. And of course, she tried not to listen to this part of herself, and of course, she failed.

As not much time went on, she saw this very cute and handsome boy more and more often. This happened by chance, not by either of their designs (Well, maybe a little bit by his.). But they certainly made the most of those moments. And then just when she thought she could hold her hopes inside herself no longer, he took her to a movie. He held her hand. He put his arm around her. It felt exactly as she had always wanted it to feel. She was so happy. Soon after, they became inseparable. They had so much fun with each other. He would swing with her and write on the sidewalk with her and watch movies with her and go on walks with her, just like she had always hoped someone would do. They even had fun at Wal-Mart together. No matter what they did, it was fun, and he made her feel beautiful and special.

Now, this very cute and handsome boy was hurting. He had done some things he wished he hadn't and life was very hard for him. But he was trying hard to overcome it all. When he saw this girl, he thought she would never take a second glance at him. But he tried anyway, and was happy with what happened. He said that he had found a wonderful girl who brought him up and made him smile and laugh every day. He said she made him really happy when before he was just going through the motions. He didn't feel like he had to say things that she wanted to hear, he could just be himself and she wouldn't get mad at him for being him and for every little thing he did.

As time went on, she began to learn how much she meant to this very cute and handsome boy. And as his hurt began to be eased and the light in his eyes shone brighter and brighter, the hole in her heart began to be full. In fact, it got to the point that it felt like it had filled a space bigger than the hole had been. The two were very happy, and they talked about getting married. This made them even happier. But she wasn't sure if it was the right, so they kept getting to know each other and have fun together. Then one day when they were watching a movie together, he said "I could hold you forever." And she knew he meant it. And she knew she wanted him to hold her forever. It was perfect.

A little while later, she began to notice that her sweetheart was getting kind of quiet. He would laugh a little less and sometimes looked like his thoughts were in a faraway place. She would ask if he was ok, and he would say he was. So she didn't worry about it too much, and just kept being there for him and helping him however she could and letting him know that she would do anything in her power for him. And she would endure anything to be with him.

But one day, something awful happened to this very cute and handsome boy. That day, she didn't hear from him at all and she was very very worried about him. She called him and he would not answer. She didn't know where he was or what he was doing or if he was ok. She dreaded how this awful thing had affected her very cute and handsome boy. He did make it home later that night and his mom called her when he did. He just said he was ok and he didn't feel like talking.

She saw her sweetheart the next day, and she could tell that he was very troubled, and she cried for him. But he wouldn't tell her what was hurting him, and as the week wore on, she felt him shutting her out of his life. It broke her heart, but she knew now that she was undeniably in love with him, and more than anything, she wanted to make the hurt go away.

So one day she was going to tell him that she wanted him to tell her what was wrong so she could be there for him. But he just said "You shouldn't have to worry about it. It's such a burden. I think you would be happier with someone else."

She was shocked. How could he think this? She had tried to be there for him and stand by him through everything that happened. And she was happy with him through it all. And some of the things he said were a burden she had begun to be very excited for. So how could he say this? She cried for a couple days and still felt so empty inside. She had planned her life around him. And his family. And now she wasn't sure what to do.

But after she got over herself with the help of a few good friends, she knew she would be ok. She would continue doing the things she loved and hope the hole (that was now larger than it had been before him) would be filled later on. And she hoped this very cute and handsome boy would be ok and would try to be happy and not give up no matter how hard life got. But she still worries about him to this day, and sometimes it is still hard because she misses him and hurts for him.

The End. . . for now.

Two more weeks!

Yes, it's true. Only one week left of classes and one week of finals this semester. I hope you are all rooting for me, because it's gonna be hard. Mostly because every bit of me gave up before the Thanksgiving break so I am VERY behind. But I am gonna make it through the next couple weeks, and then maybe I will have adjusted to my new life. Yes, it's a new life. Everything is different now. But don't worry friends, I will come to grips with it and come out on top.

Today during Sunday school I was reading for institute. (I have Sunday school ADD, so I gave up on trying to pay attention.) I found a couple scripture that made me think. The first (Not numerically, but I don't want to end on it) is in D&C 76:29
"Wherefore, he [Satan] maketh war with the saints of God, and encompasseth them round about."

In the past few months I have really begun to understand what this means. There are all the trials happening because of Proposition 8, and other things going on in the world, but I have come to see it on a more personal note too. So my though was this. We have to keep fighting. Because we are in a war against the adversary and it isn't ever going to get easier. But if we continue fighting, we will "overcome all things" and witness God "subdue all enemies under his feet. (D&C 76:60-61) So don't give up! Keep fighting.

The next thought came from reading D&C 76:10.
"For by my Spirit will I enlighten them, and by my power will I make known unto them the secrets of my will. . ."

This was comforting because lately I have felt like God's will for me is a secret. There are things I know I should be doing, and others I am at a total loss to figure out. But I am a begotten daughter of God (D&C 76:24) and he will not leave me alone and if I seek to know His will for me, he will let me know.

And to bring both these thoughts to a close, read D&C 76:2-
"Great is his wisdom, marvelous are his ways, and the extent of his doing none can find out. His purposes fail not, neither are there any who can stay his hand. From eternity to eternity he is the same, and his years never fail."

How I got to where I am.

I wouldn't be who I am today without the influence of several people. There have been a few key people in my life who have made me who I am today. So here is an abbreviated story of how I became me with the help of other people (focusing on the positive things).

The first people who have helped me have obviously been my parents. My dad throughout his life has been an example to me of keeping faith no matter how hard life gets. He has suffered more than most people I know throughout his whole life and he is one of the most faithful people I have ever come across. My mom has shown me the same thing, because being his wife naturally means she has endured a lot. She has also shown me how to be a strong, happy, independent woman. And how to surround yourself with the things you love so you can always be happy. And she has always been my best friend when I needed one the most. And she always knows what I am going through and exactly what I need to hear, and though sometimes I did not want to hear her unbiased opinions, they were always wise.

The next person who helped me grow into myself was Becky. She was an amazing young women's leader and a great friend to me. She was the one who helped me realize that I am a beautiful, unique daughter of God. Even though I felt like an awkward, homely teenager, she always treated me like I was something special and listened to my stupid teenage dramas. She also taught me important lessons about the Atonement and repentance that have stuck with me.

At the same time as Becky was her husband who was my bishop, and is now my home ward stake president. He always called me his friend and still does, and I could see in his eyes how much he truly loved me in his. It was from his example that I knew how much the Savior loved me and that I am precious to Him. I have always thought that the Savior's eyes would look just the same as this man's.

Next in line was my friend Nia and our whole group of friends our junior year in High School. But Nia especially helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my life and taught me how to have fun. She helped me discover who I was and how I fit in with other people.

Next would have had to be Jonny. Although dating him was not one of the smartest things I have ever done in my life, he taught me a lot. He helped me understand that so many of the things I feared were "all in my head" and I could do anything I wanted if I set my mind to it. There are things I am doing now that I really would not have dared to had he not so gently let me know how dumb some of the things that were holding me back really were. He also helped me have the courage to move out and become independent. It was really not until after I dated him that I really figured out who I was.

Next were my amazing roommates. They all instantly accepted me into their circle and we always had a blast! We had some really rough times, but we always got through them and supported each other. Mandy and Megan were always incredible examples of trusting in the Lord. They had a way of knowing what He wanted for them and doing that without question. It always impressed me. And Megan would always listen to my worries and help me figure out what to do about them, from homework to boys to violin stuff. And she still listens and helps me.

The most recent has already had an entire posting to himself, so I won't dwell on that. And I suppose that when I look back on that I will discover even more things that I learned from him.

This is the question.

What in the world am I gonna do with myself now? I had a plan but it got changed against my will. Because it involved somebody else and they decided it wasn't right for me. But what if it was? The more I think about it, the more I realize their reasons for it not being right for me don't hold up. Because I would have done anything for him and gone through everything and been there for him and I know he is worth it and I know I would have been happy. I guess it wasn't just him I loved either, but everything that came from being with him. Everything that I had always loved meant so much more to me with him, and I was opened up to things I never really had imagined I could have. I know I will always enjoy those things, and I know I will find someone else I can be happy with, but what if I want all those things I had been planning on? It seemed like it was meant to be. Everything seemed to make perfect sense, from how I came to meet them and become interested in him to how our future plans seemed to mesh. I truly can't imagine being any happier with anyone else. But he doesn't agree and I don't think he will to listen to me. So I guess I have to move on and keep enjoying the things that make me happy and keep hoping for someone else who can make me as happy as he did. Which sucks. But it seems like that's just how it is.

But what really gets me is I am afraid this person is going to give up their hope for their own personal happiness. And that would really break my heart. In fact, I think one of the real reasons they left me was because they had lost hope. Lost hope that he could deserve to be happy. And since I was a part of him being happy he gave me up too. I don't know if that's true, but the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. I just hope the best for him and I hope he comes to realize how much he really is worth. Maybe one day he will see himself as I see him.

On a happy note, I had a fantastic Thanksgiving and am truly enjoying spending time with my family. I have been very blessed with a great family who loves me and wants me to be happy. And I have great friends who have helped me to at least get to a point where I don't cry all the time, which is a huge leap. So thank you to everyone who has always been there for me!

Beauty

I decided to make this blog because I have a lot of ideas that float around my head and I never write them down, and I hate writing in journals because it takes FOREVER! So, I thought this might be a good idea.

Today I was thinking about how beautiful life is. There are so many things to learn and to enjoy. It truly amazes me all the beauty I see and experience every day. It reminds how loved I am by my Father in Heaven and how much he really wants me to be happy. He wants me to be happy and he knows what will make me happy and he leads me to it.

That's all for now.