Things on my mind

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my grandpa Jackman. I miss him actually. He died when I was 6, kind of tragically. I don’t really know all the details, but from what I understand he was depressed and became an alcoholic and died from liver problems. I don’t really know exactly if that’s right, I have never asked anyone outright, so that’s just what I’ve picked up here and there. But that’s not the point.
I loved my grandpa. My mom tells me I was really shy around him and then to get me to warm up to him, he would hide a candy bar in his shirt pocket and pull it out and tease me with it. I don’t remember that, but I do remember other things about him. After dinner, we would always have watermelon when we went to his house. This was more special for my brother I think, but I loved it too. We all had watermelon time nicknames. I know someone’s was Clementine Kadiddlehopper, and I think I may have been mine. Someone else’s was Arigimatortis Asortafortus. That, I am quite certain, was either Carl’s or my grandpa’s. Don’t really know. I don’t know where they came from, but it was always fun.
The other thing about my grandpa that I remember well was that he would get up very early to feed the birds. This always intrigued me. One morning I got up and saw him out by the tree where the feeder was, right there with the birds. I was sitting at the table just inside the screen door, and he beckoned me to go out with him. When I did, the birds kind of flew away for a second, but they came right back. I sat on the porch and watched how unafraid of him they were. If I remember right, a couple would sit on his finger, but that may have been my child’s imagination. Either way, those birds did not fear him. I always remember how gentle he was. I don’t think I remember him well or really did a lot with him, but I sure did love him.
What I don’t understand exactly is why I think about him a lot lately. But I do have a couple theories. One is that I crave having someone male to talk to. I have male friends I can talk to, but that never works out well for me. I have my dad, but I couldn’t really talk to him, but I do love him dearly. Sometimes I picture me at my grandma and grandpa’s house, sitting at their kitchen table, just talking to him about life. I don’t know if that’s something that ever would have happened if he had lived, but it is sure a good scene in my imagination.
My other theory, though related, and what everything really comes down to, is that I just feel like something is missing, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. I keep hearing about people dying or moving or whatever, and some of them are people I hardly know, but every time, it makes me feel that hole in my heart that’s almost always there. Like the landlord’s twin brother moved out of the house, and I talked to him maybe three times, but I really feel a sense of loss with him leaving. And the lady that worked at the front desk of the place I have taken my care to be fixed a couple times died of an aneurism. She was so young. I hardly dealt with her, but still, I feel a sense of loss. And sometimes I think those things happening just remind me of the part of my life, whatever it is, that seems to be missing. And I wonder if missing my grandpa is just me trying to find a way to fill that void.
On a seemingly unrelated but similar note, I don’t think I will go anywhere after I graduate school this year. I may have one class to take next year, but I still consider myself done. Anyway, my body is totally burned out right now, so I think I will just stick around for a year and teach violin and save money, and maybe even take piano and guitar lessons like I have always wanted to. After that, maybe grad school if I am feeling up to it, maybe a mission, though that seems less likely, or maybe I will just stay here and teach for a while, I just really don’t know. But that’s looking quite far into the future; I will try to stick to looking one year down the road for the time being.
Well, there are the thoughts I have been thinking recently.
Goodnight!

Moments

Well, this is kind of a random blog. I just have a couple things I wanted to write about, so here goes!

The other night, or morning I guess, I had a really interesting dream. Those of you who know me well know that sometimes I have dreams that seem so real that it takes me several hours, or sometimes even days, to shake them off. In this particular dream, I was at school, in a class with a girl I knew from the class, and there was a bombing or something like that. I got panicked because I knew I had a friend in the part of campus that got hit, and so did the girl in my class. I hadn't talked to this friend in a long time and I had a horrible sinking feeling. What if they died and I hadn't done anything for them in their life? Anyway, all the students were taken somewhere (don't know where it was. Somewhere safe I suppose) until they knew campus was safe. The whole time I was worried about my friend. Finally some firemen told us that campus was safe now, but a lot of people died or had been disfigured. They told us where we could find people who had been killed because for some reason they couldn't identify them.

I went to the building with my friend. The scene was awful. To skip all the gross details, I was looking for my friend, sure I would find them among the dead. My classmate found someone she knew and that made me panic even more. My dread kept getting more and more serious, then I looked down the hallway, and there was my friend walking towards me. He was rather seriously hurt, but not dead! I was so happy to see him, I ran to him and gave him a huge hug and cried really hard (for real too, not just in my dream). The relief I felt was indescribable.

The really strange part about this dream is that the friend who was in the dream has been struggling, and I think it was an awakening to get my to help them. I was really glad it happened. It made me realize the responsibility I have as a friend.

Anyway, now you know the weird depths of me. Well, of my dreams at least.

So, today I had a pretty normal day. I found out that I had been volunteered for a few things that made my life a little bit more stressful, but nothing too awful. When I got home from teaching, I was figuring out some money stuff since I got paid this week, and I realized I would have enough to pay rent in advance. I was pretty excited. Then I went to look at my bank account online, only to find that I had forgotten about some things I bought and my account was way in the negative numbers (mostly thanks to the fact that the bank loves me so much and loves to charge me fees that are 5x what I overdrafted). The worst part was because of a purchase I made at the end of last month that went onto the wrong bank account, it was the second time it had happened. My mom helped me out the first time, and I was dreading telling her that I needed help again, for being a complete moron with money. So I called her up and told her I needed help. She asked what I needed, and before I could fully explain my predicament, I just started bawling. So she said she would come over to my apartment.

I cried the whole time she was driving here because I was so frustrated for being so irresponsible, and for letting her down and making her give me money. But when she got to my place, she gave me a hug and told me it would be ok. Then she got on my computer and gave me what I needed and helped me figure out my money stuff. Then she took me out to dinner and we just talked. She was so nice to me and made me feel so loved. I will never be able to repay her. I have the best mom in the world. http://heatherraesmusings.blogspot.com/2008/12/few-end-of-semester-thoughts.html This link goes into more detail of the thoughts I had about it today.

Lastly, I have been getting to know one of my roommates better the last few days. I knew Emilie (obviously) and Sam already, but me and Tina found we had some common frustrations, and talking about those opened up a friendship between us. I feel like myself around her now, which is how I know I have made a real friend. It's actually really hard for me to make real friends to the point where I feel like myself around them. So I am glad to have had the opportunity to get to know her.

That's all.
(Hee hee, I got that from The Devil Wears Prada, by the way.)