What in the world am I gonna do with myself now? I had a plan but it got changed against my will. Because it involved somebody else and they decided it wasn't right for me. But what if it was? The more I think about it, the more I realize their reasons for it not being right for me don't hold up. Because I would have done anything for him and gone through everything and been there for him and I know he is worth it and I know I would have been happy. I guess it wasn't just him I loved either, but everything that came from being with him. Everything that I had always loved meant so much more to me with him, and I was opened up to things I never really had imagined I could have. I know I will always enjoy those things, and I know I will find someone else I can be happy with, but what if I want all those things I had been planning on? It seemed like it was meant to be. Everything seemed to make perfect sense, from how I came to meet them and become interested in him to how our future plans seemed to mesh. I truly can't imagine being any happier with anyone else. But he doesn't agree and I don't think he will to listen to me. So I guess I have to move on and keep enjoying the things that make me happy and keep hoping for someone else who can make me as happy as he did. Which sucks. But it seems like that's just how it is.
But what really gets me is I am afraid this person is going to give up their hope for their own personal happiness. And that would really break my heart. In fact, I think one of the real reasons they left me was because they had lost hope. Lost hope that he could deserve to be happy. And since I was a part of him being happy he gave me up too. I don't know if that's true, but the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. I just hope the best for him and I hope he comes to realize how much he really is worth. Maybe one day he will see himself as I see him.
On a happy note, I had a fantastic Thanksgiving and am truly enjoying spending time with my family. I have been very blessed with a great family who loves me and wants me to be happy. And I have great friends who have helped me to at least get to a point where I don't cry all the time, which is a huge leap. So thank you to everyone who has always been there for me!
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It strikes to me that he is suffering from the 'Angel' syndrome. Angel is the spin off of Buffy the vampire slayer. When Angel was curse with a soul he came to have the guilt for the things which he had done in his past life. The hitch was that if he had a true moment of happiness he was supposedly going to turn back into his vampire self.
Angel became a Champion, a fighter against evil. This character became a hero to me when I felt the like he did, because I knew intimately what he felt. I'd done so much bad in my life that even when reparation had been made and seemingly constantly fighting for the good, I could not see myself worthy of being happy. I honestly felt that if I allowed myself to be happy that I'd lose my constant control over my emotions, and become the hazard to my friends and family I once was.
The Irony is that Angel's curse wasn't to turn back into a soulless raging vampire. It was that he kept destroying everything that gave him a chance of happiness. He distanced himself from the people he loved. Always afraid that he might hurt someone again. The curse was that he would never risk being happy, for fear that the curse was true and he'd revert back to being the very things he fought against... a Monster.
Heather don't give up! I can never thank the girls enough who stood by my side through it all. Some of them have spent several years watching me beat myself to death while I struggled to build a world full of champions, never accepting I could ever become like the people who believe on the words of Christ and my words. He may not seem to be listening, but I promise every word you say takes root, and if he is worth it you will find a way... and every person is worth saving but it isn't your fight to save him Christ took care of that part. It is your fight to help him see that Christs blessings and love encompass him to. Each person is different given time you'll know what you'll need to do, but you'll need to be willing to let him go if he decides too.
To my friend who this is about: You are my friend, for anyone Heather loves is my friend. To you I say I've been there, and I know. I love Heather she is one of my dearest friends, I know her well enough to know what and how she thinks. If she sees in you a champion then as God as my witness YOU ARE A CHAMPION!
You do not have to protect Heather from you. She knows the dangers and accepts them, read her words again my friend, she is willing to fight it out with you; my friend I've spent a very long time trying to find someone who accepts everything about me... You have that standing right before you asking you to allow her to help you be happy. Have a little faith in yourself, and let her be happy.
There is another Champion you need to know about. He about 2000 years ago. He saw in you what Heather sees in you. He already has walked with you and knows your pains, and your sufferings. He made the choice and sacrifice for you. He did this without your asking, and he did this for you even if you never accept that he did this for you. My friend there is no pain and no sorrow, no trouble or heartache, no sin or moment of happiness that Jesus the Christ has not experienced with you. He knows you are good enough, Heather knows you are good enough... and I know that no man is lost, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that you are good enough to allow yourself to be happy.
My friend there is 3 witnesses. You can not dispute those witnesses. Don't you think it is time to forgive yourself? There is a world of reasons not too, you are right; but those who stand beside you are not of this world, they battle for consequences beyond this world; and they will not fail you should you accept the blessings that are already being handed to you.
If you don't listen to Heather or I, at least listen to God. He loves you and wants you to be happy, the only person who truly doesn't want you to be happy is Satan. He will say anything to destroy you... I know him intimately. I know the doubt and the fears; I know the questions of self worth; I know concerns over love and if everything will end the same way again... but I know also that God provides peace, which is the opposite of all those things above. He makes men whole, and he makes men champions.
My friend even if you do not think you are supposed to be with Heather, please get to a point that you are willing to allow yourself to be happy. She reads people very well, and she is concerned for you, it is her concern for you and this perception of you, that has caused me to spend the time to pen this comment; because I would do everything in my power to help her be happy. You've got three people in your corner pulling for you...
Angel said a line that became my cause "Nothing in the world is the way it ought to be. It's harsh and cruel. That's why there's us. Champions. It doesn't matter where we come from, what we've done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be." I lived it and breathed it. Perhaps it can give you some strength too.
Please don't make the same mistake I made!
T
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