This is a list of things that make me who I am. In them you will discover things I have learned, things I would like to do better, and even things that bother me. This list is not intended to imply that everybody should agree with or adopt my life's philosophies. It is not intended to point fingers. I mostly thought it would be interesting as a self-reflection sort of thing. So enjoy, and feel free to ask for explanations, details, experiences, or to let me know how it is you see things, be they the same or different.
These are in no order of importance. Just the order of my thoughts. Which aren't very orderly :)
Treat others as you would like to be treated.
Try a little harder to be a little better - Gordon B. Hinckley I believe in becoming a better person all the time. This doesn't mean that one should set impossible goals or hold unrealistic images of oneself, but that there are always little ways in which one could be a better, happier person.
Turn thoughts into actions. This is the "There is no try; only do or do not" philosophy. Sort of. Sometimes it is appropriate to try. However, I believe that after finding out what is best for oneself or coming up with a good idea, you should do it! Don't try to do it, just do it! If you really want something you won't get it until you. . . do it!
Don't worry about how others see you or if you will fail. Why? Because then you won't do anything. This is not to say that people's views don't matter. They absolutely do. But hey, if you know something is absolutely right for you, it shouldn't matter what they think of it, or of you for doing it. Also, "never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game". (Babe Ruth)
Be happy now. It's certainly good to have goals and aspirations and to want things from time to time, but that should not make you discontent with life now. Life is good now. There is beauty everywhere now. Find it and be happy. Now.
Take care of yourself. This entails things physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and whatever-else-al. You have needs. It's ok to see that they are met. In fact, a man I respected a lot said that you can't help someone else until you have yourself taken care of. This also entails making decisions that will help you, whether it's getting to bed early, eating healthily, avoiding situations that will hurt you in some way, etc.
Let it go. Life is full of "its", good and bad. For right now, I am talking about that bad "its". Common "its" involve relationships (friends, family, dating, spiritual) and perceived failure. (I believe you only fail if you give up, but that's a different story.) It can be as small as forgetting to take the trash out or as big as an abusive childhood. Sometimes it should take minutes to let go of. Sometimes it takes years. But whatever it is, it needs to be dealt with. Think about it, figure it out and then talk about it, cry about it, hit something, paint, create, or do something that helps you express what you're feeling. Sometimes you can't deal with it on your own, so get help. Friends, family, counselors, and religious leaders are good people to ask for help. But once you've dealt with it, put it away and leave it there. Don't go back to it. Don't even look back at it. Walk away, look ahead, and move forward.
Help others. I know this may be confusing after I mentioned that one of my philosophies is to take care of oneself. But once you are taken care of, and even while you are taking care of yourself (or "it") you most certainly can help others. In fact, finding a balance between taking care of yourself and helping others is essential to happiness. In other words, do everything you are able to improve someone's life. I find it is especially important to be aware of those closest to you and help them. Constantly.
Share your talents freely. Everybody has a talent. Everybody needs someone's talent from time to time. So share your gift, whatever it is, whenever you can. Don't do it grudgingly. Be grateful that you have a gift and that you can bring light to someone through exercising it.
Go to the source. There is a lot of information out there. Some of it is good. Some of it is not. Take the time to find the source of information (the actual policy, not someone's opinion of it, for instance) and make your own judgment. This rule applies when dealing with people too. Don't just listen to gossip and make judgments, and don't assume your own judgments are correct. If you feel like you lack understanding, find out the real story. Try to be understanding and look at someone's situations from multiple perspectives.
People are not objects. All people have feelings. They like to feel valued and unique. I have felt like a tool for men at times, and sometimes like someone's property as a musician. But I know people who make me feel like a unique, worthwhile, valuable individual and who treat me like a daughter of my Heavenly Father.
Show interest. Learning about another person can be really fun. Once you know someone, it's important to keep showing your interest in their life. Ask how they are and really listen. Let them know you really care. Don't be too hasty to express your feelings, and please please don't ask them a question just hoping to answer it yourself. It's your turn soon, but now it's theirs, so listen.
Be courteous. I am a critical thinker and sometimes have strong opinions. A lot of people are the same way. I expect that when someone asks my opinion they want an honest, courteous answer, so I give it. If I am expressing my ideas without invitation, I try to be guarded. I don't lie, but I don't bite.
I don't expect everyone to like everything that I like or to agree with everything I think, but I expect them to be courteous in their expressions.
Stick to your values. Values can come front religious beliefs or moral ideals. Stick to them. No matter what, when, who, why, how. Vote for them, eat them, dress like them, hang out with people who respect them, etc. Again, don't worry about what other people think. Stick to them. And while you're in the process, it wouldn't hurt to respect others for respecting their values. Inevitably they will be different from yours, but they still need your respect.
Thanks basically what I came up with. If I think of more I will be sure to post them. Thanks for reading!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Greatest Story Ever Told
Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God; speak ye comfortably to Jerusalem; and cry unto her, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned. The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness. Prepare ye the way of the Lord: make straight in the desert a highway for our God. (Isaiah 40:1-3)
Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill made low, the crooked straight and the rough places plain. (Isaiah 40:4)
And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together; for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it. (Isaiah 40:5)
Thus saith the Lord of Hosts:-Yet once a little while and I will shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land; and I will shake all nations; and the desire of all nations shall come. The Lord, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to His temple, even the messenger of the covenant, whom ye delight in: behold, He shall come, saith the Lord of Hosts. (Haggai 2:6-7, Malachi 3:1)
But who may abide the day of His coming? and who shall stand when He
appeareth? For He is like a refiner's fire. (Malachi 3:2)
Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call his name Emmanuel, God with us. (Isaiah 7:14, Matthew 1:23)
O thou that tellest good tidings to Zion, get thee up into the high mountain: O thou that tellest good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up thy voice with strength; lift it up, be not afraid; say unto the cities of Judah, Behold you God! Arise, shine, for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. (Isaiah 40:9, 60:1)
For Behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people; but the Lord shall rise upon thee, and His glory shall be seen upon thee, and the Gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising. (Isaiah 60:2-3)
The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light; and they
that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined. (Isaiah 9:2)
For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given, and the government shall be upon His shoulder; and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)
There were shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
And lo! the angel of the Lord cam upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto the, Fear not; for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people; for unto you is born this day in the City of David, a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. (Luke 2:1-11)
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying:-
Glory to God in the highest, and peace on earth, goodwill towards men. (Luke 2:13-14)
Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion Shout, O daughter of Jerusalem! behold, thy King cometh unto thee! He is the righteous Saviour, and He shall speak peace unto the heathen. (Zechariah 9:9-10)
Then shall the eyes of the blind be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped; then shall the lame man leap as a hart, and the tongue of the dumb shall sing. (Isaiah 35:5-6)
He shall feed His flock like a shepherd: and He shall gather the lambs with His arm, and carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. (Isaiah 40:11)
Come unto Him, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and He will give you rest. Take His yoke upon you, and learn of Him, for He is meek and lowly of heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.(Matthew 11:28-30)
Behold the Lamb of God that taketh away the sin of the world. (John 1:29)
He was despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. He gave His back to the smiters, and His cheeks to them that plucked off the hair: He hid not His face from shame and spitting. (Isaiah 53:3)
Surely He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows! He was wounded for our transgressions; He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon Him. And with His stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:4)
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way. And the Lord hath laid on Him the iniquity of us all. (Isaiah 53:6)
All they that see Him laugh Him to scorn; they shoot out their lips, and shake their heads, saying: (Psalms 22 : 7)
Thy rebuke hath broken His heart; He is full of heaviness. He looked for some to have pity on Him, but there was no man, neither found He any to comfort Him. (Psalms 69 : 20)
Behold, and see if there be any sorrow like unto His sorrow. (Lamentations 1 : 12)
He was cut off out of the land of the living; for the transgression of Thy people was He stricken. (Isaiah 53 : 8)
Lift up your heads, O ye gates, and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors, and the King of Glory shall come in. Who is the King of Glory? The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle. Lift up your heads, O ye gates, and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors, and the King of Glory shall come in. Who is the King of Glory? The Lord of Hosts, He is the King of Glory. (Psalms 24 :7-10)
How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things. (Romans 10:15)
Their sound is gone out into all lands, and their words unto the ends of the world. (Romans 10:18/Psalms 19:4)
Why do the nations so furiously rage together, and who do the people imagine a vain thing? The kings of the earth rise up, and the rulers take counsel together against the Lord, and against His Anointed. (Psalms 2:1-2)
Let us break their bonds asunder, and cast away their yokes from us. (Psalms 2:3)
He that dwelleth in heaven shall laugh them to scorn; the Lord shall have them in derision. (Psalms 2:4)
Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron; Thou shalt dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel. (Psalms 2:9)
Hallelujah: for the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth. The kingdom of this world has become the kingdom of our Lord, and of His Christ; and He shall reign for ever and ever. King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. Hallelujah! (Revelation 19:6, Revelation 11:15, Revelation 19:16)
I know that my Redeemer liveth, and that He shall stand at the latter day upon the earth; and though worms destroy this body yet, in my flesh shall I see God. For now is Christ risen from the dead, the first-fruits of them that sleep. (Job 19:25-26, I Corinthians 15:20)
Since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead.
For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. (I Corinthians 15:21-22)
Behold, I tell you a mystery; We shall not all sleep; but we shall all be changed in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. (I Corinthians 15:51-52)
The trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. (I Corinthians 15:52-53)
Then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written; Death is swallowed up in victory! (I Corinthians 15:54)
O death, where is thy sting? O grave! where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. (I Corinthians 15:55-56)
But thanks be to God, who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (I Corinthians 15:57)
If God be for us, who can be against us? who shall lay anything to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth, who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea, rather that is risen again, who is at the right hand of God, who makes intercession for us. (Romans 8:31, Romans 8:33-34)
Worthy is the Lamb that was slain, and hath redeemed us to God by His blood, to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory and blessing. Blessing and honour, glory and power, be unto Him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb, for ever and ever.
__ Amen. (Revelation 5:12-13)
This is the text to Handel's Oratorio The Messiah. I believe it is an inspired work, because every year when I rehearse and perform it, I feel closer to my Father in Heaven and feel a greater appreciation for my Savior and his Atonement, and a greater love for him. If there is a performance of this work near you, go see it!
Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill made low, the crooked straight and the rough places plain. (Isaiah 40:4)
And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together; for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it. (Isaiah 40:5)
Thus saith the Lord of Hosts:-Yet once a little while and I will shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land; and I will shake all nations; and the desire of all nations shall come. The Lord, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to His temple, even the messenger of the covenant, whom ye delight in: behold, He shall come, saith the Lord of Hosts. (Haggai 2:6-7, Malachi 3:1)
But who may abide the day of His coming? and who shall stand when He
appeareth? For He is like a refiner's fire. (Malachi 3:2)
Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call his name Emmanuel, God with us. (Isaiah 7:14, Matthew 1:23)
O thou that tellest good tidings to Zion, get thee up into the high mountain: O thou that tellest good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up thy voice with strength; lift it up, be not afraid; say unto the cities of Judah, Behold you God! Arise, shine, for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. (Isaiah 40:9, 60:1)
For Behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people; but the Lord shall rise upon thee, and His glory shall be seen upon thee, and the Gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising. (Isaiah 60:2-3)
The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light; and they
that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined. (Isaiah 9:2)
For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given, and the government shall be upon His shoulder; and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)
There were shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
And lo! the angel of the Lord cam upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto the, Fear not; for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people; for unto you is born this day in the City of David, a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. (Luke 2:1-11)
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying:-
Glory to God in the highest, and peace on earth, goodwill towards men. (Luke 2:13-14)
Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion Shout, O daughter of Jerusalem! behold, thy King cometh unto thee! He is the righteous Saviour, and He shall speak peace unto the heathen. (Zechariah 9:9-10)
Then shall the eyes of the blind be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped; then shall the lame man leap as a hart, and the tongue of the dumb shall sing. (Isaiah 35:5-6)
He shall feed His flock like a shepherd: and He shall gather the lambs with His arm, and carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. (Isaiah 40:11)
Come unto Him, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and He will give you rest. Take His yoke upon you, and learn of Him, for He is meek and lowly of heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.(Matthew 11:28-30)
Behold the Lamb of God that taketh away the sin of the world. (John 1:29)
He was despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. He gave His back to the smiters, and His cheeks to them that plucked off the hair: He hid not His face from shame and spitting. (Isaiah 53:3)
Surely He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows! He was wounded for our transgressions; He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon Him. And with His stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:4)
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way. And the Lord hath laid on Him the iniquity of us all. (Isaiah 53:6)
All they that see Him laugh Him to scorn; they shoot out their lips, and shake their heads, saying: (Psalms 22 : 7)
Thy rebuke hath broken His heart; He is full of heaviness. He looked for some to have pity on Him, but there was no man, neither found He any to comfort Him. (Psalms 69 : 20)
Behold, and see if there be any sorrow like unto His sorrow. (Lamentations 1 : 12)
He was cut off out of the land of the living; for the transgression of Thy people was He stricken. (Isaiah 53 : 8)
Lift up your heads, O ye gates, and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors, and the King of Glory shall come in. Who is the King of Glory? The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle. Lift up your heads, O ye gates, and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors, and the King of Glory shall come in. Who is the King of Glory? The Lord of Hosts, He is the King of Glory. (Psalms 24 :7-10)
How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things. (Romans 10:15)
Their sound is gone out into all lands, and their words unto the ends of the world. (Romans 10:18/Psalms 19:4)
Why do the nations so furiously rage together, and who do the people imagine a vain thing? The kings of the earth rise up, and the rulers take counsel together against the Lord, and against His Anointed. (Psalms 2:1-2)
Let us break their bonds asunder, and cast away their yokes from us. (Psalms 2:3)
He that dwelleth in heaven shall laugh them to scorn; the Lord shall have them in derision. (Psalms 2:4)
Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron; Thou shalt dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel. (Psalms 2:9)
Hallelujah: for the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth. The kingdom of this world has become the kingdom of our Lord, and of His Christ; and He shall reign for ever and ever. King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. Hallelujah! (Revelation 19:6, Revelation 11:15, Revelation 19:16)
I know that my Redeemer liveth, and that He shall stand at the latter day upon the earth; and though worms destroy this body yet, in my flesh shall I see God. For now is Christ risen from the dead, the first-fruits of them that sleep. (Job 19:25-26, I Corinthians 15:20)
Since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead.
For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. (I Corinthians 15:21-22)
Behold, I tell you a mystery; We shall not all sleep; but we shall all be changed in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. (I Corinthians 15:51-52)
The trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. (I Corinthians 15:52-53)
Then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written; Death is swallowed up in victory! (I Corinthians 15:54)
O death, where is thy sting? O grave! where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. (I Corinthians 15:55-56)
But thanks be to God, who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (I Corinthians 15:57)
If God be for us, who can be against us? who shall lay anything to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth, who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea, rather that is risen again, who is at the right hand of God, who makes intercession for us. (Romans 8:31, Romans 8:33-34)
Worthy is the Lamb that was slain, and hath redeemed us to God by His blood, to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory and blessing. Blessing and honour, glory and power, be unto Him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb, for ever and ever.
__ Amen. (Revelation 5:12-13)
This is the text to Handel's Oratorio The Messiah. I believe it is an inspired work, because every year when I rehearse and perform it, I feel closer to my Father in Heaven and feel a greater appreciation for my Savior and his Atonement, and a greater love for him. If there is a performance of this work near you, go see it!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Superpower!
I don't know how many of you know this, but I have a superpower! Sometimes I can be completely invisible! I know, it's amazing, right? Of course, the danger to this superpower is that people who know me really well are almost always immune to my superpower, and other people also can see me when I am invisible. Maybe they have a superpower too so mine doesn't work on them.
See, on Halloween, I went to a party that my friend invited me too. I was dressed up in a costume I had worked on for a while, so I thought I would not be invisible. For a few minutes I wasn't, but once we started playing games, my superpower activated. People totally forgot I was there! I ended up leaving early because, after all, how fun can a party be when you're invisible? I bet the people who stayed didn't even notice I was gone! Cool, huh? Then once I was walking towards the SUU music building and passed by some girls I knew from school. I waved and smiled and they just walked on past. I guess they don't have a superpower to counteract mine.
I listen to this radio show that my friend in Salt Lake is on almost every week. So I was listening last Wednesday and he said something very VERY distasteful, crude, offensive, make-me-want-to-curl-up-in-a-corner-ful, and just plain stupid. I thought he would think of me listening, but I guess my superpower worked in that instance too. So I texted him to let him know I was listening. He didn't apologize. His co-host did try to make it up to me by saying he bought a CD of an artist I had requested. I made me kind of happy, but not any happier about the comments they (thought mostly my "friend") had made. Curse you, superpower!
That Sunday I went to church. My bishop greeted me which was nice. I sat down. Nobody sat by me until a couple people showed up late. Oh well. After Sacrament meeting, I stayed put for Sunday school. I saw several people I knew, but I guess I had accidentally activated my superpower and they didn't see me. But someone did finally turn around and acknowledge me. I wonder what their superpower is.
Fortunately I know how to turn off Invisibility when I am teaching, so I had a pretty good week. But then orchestra rehearsal came. It was the first rehearsal of new music and there were a lot of new orchestra members. I went to sit in my usual seat. It was taken. So I sat in the back. I thought I was being invisible until a friend turned around and made a "what?" face to me (clear in the very back of the orchestra). I was glad she saw me. But she and the rest of the orchestra didn't until some other poor invisible person came and sat by me. We talked about how it stunk to be invisible and therefore shunned to the back where it's impossible to see the conductor or hear the group. So it was fun to have another invisible person to play with. I would probably have considered not playing invisible if it weren't for her. Anyway, at the break another person I know noticed my seating change and thought it was unfair. I was flattered.
But sometimes being invisible is really good. Here's the best example I can think of.
When I was very little I was visiting my grandma and grandpa. I got pretty early on one of these mornings and my grandpa was feeding the birds. He loved to do this. The birds loved it too. (I may have told this story about a year ago, so sorry if it's a repeat.) I was standing inside the house by the back sliding door. He kind of motioned me outside. I opened the door and all the birds flew away! But they soon came back. Every time I moved they would take off (and always come back) so I just settled on sitting on the porch and watching. They trusted him so completely that they would sit on his shoulders and fly right around him. It was amazing. So I just sat watching grandpa and the birds invisibly while they enjoyed each other's company.
*Please note: I am not bitter or depressed. I just wanted to tell you about my superpower just in case I accidentally used it around you!*
See, on Halloween, I went to a party that my friend invited me too. I was dressed up in a costume I had worked on for a while, so I thought I would not be invisible. For a few minutes I wasn't, but once we started playing games, my superpower activated. People totally forgot I was there! I ended up leaving early because, after all, how fun can a party be when you're invisible? I bet the people who stayed didn't even notice I was gone! Cool, huh? Then once I was walking towards the SUU music building and passed by some girls I knew from school. I waved and smiled and they just walked on past. I guess they don't have a superpower to counteract mine.
I listen to this radio show that my friend in Salt Lake is on almost every week. So I was listening last Wednesday and he said something very VERY distasteful, crude, offensive, make-me-want-to-curl-up-in-a-corner-ful, and just plain stupid. I thought he would think of me listening, but I guess my superpower worked in that instance too. So I texted him to let him know I was listening. He didn't apologize. His co-host did try to make it up to me by saying he bought a CD of an artist I had requested. I made me kind of happy, but not any happier about the comments they (thought mostly my "friend") had made. Curse you, superpower!
That Sunday I went to church. My bishop greeted me which was nice. I sat down. Nobody sat by me until a couple people showed up late. Oh well. After Sacrament meeting, I stayed put for Sunday school. I saw several people I knew, but I guess I had accidentally activated my superpower and they didn't see me. But someone did finally turn around and acknowledge me. I wonder what their superpower is.
Fortunately I know how to turn off Invisibility when I am teaching, so I had a pretty good week. But then orchestra rehearsal came. It was the first rehearsal of new music and there were a lot of new orchestra members. I went to sit in my usual seat. It was taken. So I sat in the back. I thought I was being invisible until a friend turned around and made a "what?" face to me (clear in the very back of the orchestra). I was glad she saw me. But she and the rest of the orchestra didn't until some other poor invisible person came and sat by me. We talked about how it stunk to be invisible and therefore shunned to the back where it's impossible to see the conductor or hear the group. So it was fun to have another invisible person to play with. I would probably have considered not playing invisible if it weren't for her. Anyway, at the break another person I know noticed my seating change and thought it was unfair. I was flattered.
But sometimes being invisible is really good. Here's the best example I can think of.
When I was very little I was visiting my grandma and grandpa. I got pretty early on one of these mornings and my grandpa was feeding the birds. He loved to do this. The birds loved it too. (I may have told this story about a year ago, so sorry if it's a repeat.) I was standing inside the house by the back sliding door. He kind of motioned me outside. I opened the door and all the birds flew away! But they soon came back. Every time I moved they would take off (and always come back) so I just settled on sitting on the porch and watching. They trusted him so completely that they would sit on his shoulders and fly right around him. It was amazing. So I just sat watching grandpa and the birds invisibly while they enjoyed each other's company.
*Please note: I am not bitter or depressed. I just wanted to tell you about my superpower just in case I accidentally used it around you!*
Thursday, November 25, 2010
3 of the best days!
Well, I know I live with my family so you'd think I would be used to their entertainment value by now, but I am definitely not.
Anyway, these awesome days started with Tuesday. I woke up, got ready, and then had to trade cars with my mom so I could drive to Beaver since I don't trust mine to get me there safely. So I drove to her school to trade and left my car in the back for her. As I was walking to her classroom and ran in to (not literally) my mom's most awesome friend who also teaches there. She saw me, gave me a hug, and told me it made my day to see me. It made me smile. Oh, and that she wanted a necklace just like the one I was wearing. She is a pretty good supporter of my jewelry making hobby. Anyway, then I saw my mom, got her car keys and a coat (as I had forgotten mine) and went off to her car. Then I realized that I had locked my violin in my car. Boo. So I went back in through the wind to get my keys and get my violin out of my car. My mom graciously offered to go out with me this time so I wouldn't have to run back into the school again (phew). Then I went to get gas and had a rather uneventful drive to Beaver.
I taught three lessons out there. My first student struggled with vibrato. My second struggled with her pessimistic attitude. My third, however, was stinking hilarious. She is five and adorable. It's kind of hard to explain her humor when you don't know my teaching methods, but I will try to explain.
I was teaching her a technique called "tunnel fingers" which enables the player to make smooth string changes with no pauses and to play double stops later on. The idea is to put the right fingers on one string only, and in this case, while a note on a higher string is being played. It is quite tricky.
I was explaining to her what a tunnel was as she had never been in one before, and must have been doing poorly, because she said "Oh, like an igloo!" and giggled. I said it was like an igloo with the ends cut off that you drive through. And the E string was the road and we were making a tunnel on the A string. So she tried it and said "It's a lot easier to make an igloo!" when he fingers collapsed onto her E string, and giggled. So cute. But she did keep trying and is off to a good start.
Then I drove home. It was rather uneventful, except for watching the sky change with the clouds coming in.
When I got home, my mom and I decided it would be a good idea to go to the grocery store before it snowed a lot and I wanted to go to JoAnn for some jewelry supplies, so we made the list and went on our way. We got to the top of the road and she realized she had an interview with the bishopric in a half hour. So we thought we would see how fast we could do the shopping. We battled the crowds, chose a turkey and other food and checked out in just under 20 minutes. We are that skilled.
We got to the church a little early and saw this cute old couple that we see at concerts a lot. They always wear matching clothes. They sat across from us in the little waiting room. We observed the husband help the wife out of her jacket. Then my mom had to leave me, and I got to observe the couple by myself.
First, they were asked by the ward clerk to take pictures of the ward members at tithing settlement. The wife said that would be good but then had a concern. She wondered if the "manual choke" would work after sitting in the cold for over three hours. I, being a child of the technology saturated age, had no clue what she was talking about. Turns out it was the choke on their vehicle. Ah, that I had heard about. Then her husband offered to put an electric choke on it for her. She said "How does that work?" He says "you just turn the key." She responded "Oh, I could do that" and laughed. It just cracked me up.
With that matter settled, the clerk left and it was just me and those two. They sat mostly in silence, occasionally looking at each other and giggling faintly. But then the following conversation between them happened:
"Would you like me to hold your hat dear?"
"Oh yes, that would be good. You can even keep your other knee warm with it (giggles)." (He had his matching red and black plaid hat on one knee).
So she hands it to her thoughtful husband and he puts it on his other knee. After a moment of silence, she giggles a little, and says,
"Look, they're knee hats!" They both chuckle.
"They look an awful lot like normal hats!" More chuckling.
I thought the exchange was both funny and cute.
Soon after, my mom reappeared and we left the couple for JoAnn. We found and purchased a couple ornaments. It is tradition that each child gets a new ornament every year until they get married. Then we went to the jewelry stuff, found lots of awesome things, except, of course, what I needed. We went home.
Yesterday we decided it was pajama day. So we cleaned the house in our pajamas. My mom and Michelle had trouble moving the furniture and eventually (after trying out about 3 other arrangements) just moved the piano and love seat over. It was amusing. Then those two decided to buy a new Christmas tree and get some other things from Wal-Mart. Since I didn't want to get out of my pajamas, I agreed to stay behind and fix lunch.
After lunch, we cleaned another room and watched Keith Urban music videos and admired his general sexiness. After dinner, we finished cleaning the room and decided to watch a movie. Michelle had never seen the Count of Monte Cristo so we decided to change that. But then I got a text from my friend who has a side job co-hosting a radio show saying that I needed to listen in. Of course I couldn't resist this invitation, so I tuned in. He had some of his friends in and they did a special live segment of the show. He and his friend (mine too) sang a funny song about beards. It said their friends liked their beards but they hadn't touched a girl in a long time. I thought it funny. Then my friend's friend's girlfriend sang a song that I really really liked. I will try to find a way to post it here later.
Then I went back to the movie. It was a good night.
This morning we had a muffin breakfast and set up our tree. It's always fun to put up the ornament we have collected over the years. I have big pink shiny heart ornament, a frog angel, a Little Pony, several violins, and a couple fairies.
Now we are just waiting for the turkey! Happy thanksgiving!
Anyway, these awesome days started with Tuesday. I woke up, got ready, and then had to trade cars with my mom so I could drive to Beaver since I don't trust mine to get me there safely. So I drove to her school to trade and left my car in the back for her. As I was walking to her classroom and ran in to (not literally) my mom's most awesome friend who also teaches there. She saw me, gave me a hug, and told me it made my day to see me. It made me smile. Oh, and that she wanted a necklace just like the one I was wearing. She is a pretty good supporter of my jewelry making hobby. Anyway, then I saw my mom, got her car keys and a coat (as I had forgotten mine) and went off to her car. Then I realized that I had locked my violin in my car. Boo. So I went back in through the wind to get my keys and get my violin out of my car. My mom graciously offered to go out with me this time so I wouldn't have to run back into the school again (phew). Then I went to get gas and had a rather uneventful drive to Beaver.
I taught three lessons out there. My first student struggled with vibrato. My second struggled with her pessimistic attitude. My third, however, was stinking hilarious. She is five and adorable. It's kind of hard to explain her humor when you don't know my teaching methods, but I will try to explain.
I was teaching her a technique called "tunnel fingers" which enables the player to make smooth string changes with no pauses and to play double stops later on. The idea is to put the right fingers on one string only, and in this case, while a note on a higher string is being played. It is quite tricky.
I was explaining to her what a tunnel was as she had never been in one before, and must have been doing poorly, because she said "Oh, like an igloo!" and giggled. I said it was like an igloo with the ends cut off that you drive through. And the E string was the road and we were making a tunnel on the A string. So she tried it and said "It's a lot easier to make an igloo!" when he fingers collapsed onto her E string, and giggled. So cute. But she did keep trying and is off to a good start.
Then I drove home. It was rather uneventful, except for watching the sky change with the clouds coming in.
When I got home, my mom and I decided it would be a good idea to go to the grocery store before it snowed a lot and I wanted to go to JoAnn for some jewelry supplies, so we made the list and went on our way. We got to the top of the road and she realized she had an interview with the bishopric in a half hour. So we thought we would see how fast we could do the shopping. We battled the crowds, chose a turkey and other food and checked out in just under 20 minutes. We are that skilled.
We got to the church a little early and saw this cute old couple that we see at concerts a lot. They always wear matching clothes. They sat across from us in the little waiting room. We observed the husband help the wife out of her jacket. Then my mom had to leave me, and I got to observe the couple by myself.
First, they were asked by the ward clerk to take pictures of the ward members at tithing settlement. The wife said that would be good but then had a concern. She wondered if the "manual choke" would work after sitting in the cold for over three hours. I, being a child of the technology saturated age, had no clue what she was talking about. Turns out it was the choke on their vehicle. Ah, that I had heard about. Then her husband offered to put an electric choke on it for her. She said "How does that work?" He says "you just turn the key." She responded "Oh, I could do that" and laughed. It just cracked me up.
With that matter settled, the clerk left and it was just me and those two. They sat mostly in silence, occasionally looking at each other and giggling faintly. But then the following conversation between them happened:
"Would you like me to hold your hat dear?"
"Oh yes, that would be good. You can even keep your other knee warm with it (giggles)." (He had his matching red and black plaid hat on one knee).
So she hands it to her thoughtful husband and he puts it on his other knee. After a moment of silence, she giggles a little, and says,
"Look, they're knee hats!" They both chuckle.
"They look an awful lot like normal hats!" More chuckling.
I thought the exchange was both funny and cute.
Soon after, my mom reappeared and we left the couple for JoAnn. We found and purchased a couple ornaments. It is tradition that each child gets a new ornament every year until they get married. Then we went to the jewelry stuff, found lots of awesome things, except, of course, what I needed. We went home.
Yesterday we decided it was pajama day. So we cleaned the house in our pajamas. My mom and Michelle had trouble moving the furniture and eventually (after trying out about 3 other arrangements) just moved the piano and love seat over. It was amusing. Then those two decided to buy a new Christmas tree and get some other things from Wal-Mart. Since I didn't want to get out of my pajamas, I agreed to stay behind and fix lunch.
After lunch, we cleaned another room and watched Keith Urban music videos and admired his general sexiness. After dinner, we finished cleaning the room and decided to watch a movie. Michelle had never seen the Count of Monte Cristo so we decided to change that. But then I got a text from my friend who has a side job co-hosting a radio show saying that I needed to listen in. Of course I couldn't resist this invitation, so I tuned in. He had some of his friends in and they did a special live segment of the show. He and his friend (mine too) sang a funny song about beards. It said their friends liked their beards but they hadn't touched a girl in a long time. I thought it funny. Then my friend's friend's girlfriend sang a song that I really really liked. I will try to find a way to post it here later.
Then I went back to the movie. It was a good night.
This morning we had a muffin breakfast and set up our tree. It's always fun to put up the ornament we have collected over the years. I have big pink shiny heart ornament, a frog angel, a Little Pony, several violins, and a couple fairies.
Now we are just waiting for the turkey! Happy thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Carl's Wedding!
That's right, my older brother is married! It's been a couple months now, but I shall share with you the events that led up to and the adventures that accompanied my big brother's wedding.
Since my grandma is able to go to the temple now, but unable to get herself places, my mom and I went to pick her up. So we went to Ely, put her in the car, and took her to Las Vegas.
In Vegas, my mom and I and my aunt Peggy and Emilie went on a grand adventure! We had tickets to go see the Michael Buble show! I am not a great fan of jazz music (at all), but I was fun. Before the concert, we went to a few stores on the strip. My mom bought me a pearl necklace that I adore. (I do love pearls. They are classy and elegant without being too flashy.) We ate dinner, then made our way through the maze of the MGM (here is the lion outside of it)
to go to the concert!
We did have to wait. For a long long time. But we kept ourselves entertained quite well, I assure you.
The warm-up band was Naturally 7 (please see side bar for videos) and they totally rocked! I really enjoyed their performance. Then, with a big dramatic entrance, Michael Buble appeared! He sang beautifully, and was funny, and the British people in front of us were quite hilarious. My mom and I, unfortunately, epic failed at working the camcorder, so we got no video, which is kind of tragic. Oh well, I'm over it. Getting out of the concert was a mess, but we made it. It was late. Here's the Excalibur hotel at night:
We had a week at home and then BAM! We were off the Arizona in a rented van to go to the wedding. It was a long drive, but due to my fantastic taste in music that I so unselfishly share with my family (that is partially true actually. I like to share stuff that excites me, and music does) and my dad's patient tolerance of said music, and coloring books and colored pencils, we had a pretty fun trip. We stayed in little dumpy town a half hour from Snowflake (called Holbrook) in a rather dumpy, but not quite disgusting, motel. After adventures in the pool and eating dinner and trying not to fuss over grandma who was sick, we went to sleep.
The next morning, we went in two packs to the temple. The first pack included those who were to attend the ceremony. The second was for those who would greet them outside. I was the chauffeur for this group. I was nervous since I have hardly driven outside of my home town, but it was a really easy (and quite dull) drive. Oh, Snowflake isn't named after weather, but after the Snow and Flake families who settled it. I bet you're SO glad I told you that. Here is a picture of the temple:
The ceremony attendees came out looking very happy. My mom told me how very beautiful it was, and has told me since how amazing temple marriage is. I never doubted it, but it's always good to be reminded. Then my mom dragged me and my sisters into the front doors (and I was thinking I was going to be struck down at any moment) to show us the stained glass. It was beautiful. The temple workers gave us a paper that told the story of where it came from. I bet you'll never guess. The Catholic Church gave it to the LDS church. It was quite amazing.
Then the bride and groom made their grand exit (actually, it wasn't really all that grand. They looked kind of awkward and overwhelmed). Picture:
Then we took lots and lots of pictures. Here is a picture of both families:
And just my family:
And the new marrieds:
(The tragically almost good picture.)
(John is a great purse holder for bride and groom stalkers.)
After that, we went to a pretty old church meeting place for a luncheon. It was fun and intimate. Here they are again:
Oh, and I was very entertained by my ice, as you will see.
Then my family went back to Holbrook, changed clothes, and ventured off the the Petrified Forest National Park. We had a lot of fun trying (and failing) to resist the temptation to take a little bitty piece of petrified wood, and my mom bought me a pretty purple pot. Here are some pictures from that day:
That's a fire pit inside a pueblo called Agate House.
More of the Agate House.
The next day we had nothing to do in particular in the morning, so we went back to the park, from the opposite end. That end showed more of the Painted Desert. Pictures:
That's the park's inn.
Yes, he was moody that day. But the Puerco Pueblo and Petroglyphs cheered him up a bit:
We went back to the hotel to get ready for the reception that was a couple hours away when we ran into a problem. New Mexico time is an hour ahead of Arizona time, so we were running an hour behind! But with some teamwork (meaning Michelle blowed my hair dry while I applied makeup) we left on time. Here is a picture of a cool mesa we saw on the way there:
We got there early and had some difficulty finding the bride's parents' home, but got there eventually. We changed there and headed to the brides' sister's house where the reception was held outside. It was such a fun reception! I think almost everybody who attended were related to the bride, so it was a family reunion thing. Her family made my little family feel very included though, dancing us around the porch until we were dizzy and telling us stories. I loved the moment when one of her uncles sang some of her grandpa's songs. It was touching to have the grandpa included in that special way.
We made the long drive home and went to bed. The next morning we got up, fought for the waffle maker with some other hotel guests (I was there first, I swear), and got on the road. The only eventful thing about the drive home was stopping at Lake Powell for lunch. I got a few pictures, but I picked this one at random to share:
A couple weeks later we had an open house in Orem. Carl's army buddies and some of my family were there. I have to admit that I didn't have much fun. It was good to see my not-so-little anymore cousins and my aunt that I hadn't seen for a handful of years, but I did more serving than socializing while everyone else did more socializing than serving. Oh well, the punch bowl stayed full.
The end!
Since my grandma is able to go to the temple now, but unable to get herself places, my mom and I went to pick her up. So we went to Ely, put her in the car, and took her to Las Vegas.
In Vegas, my mom and I and my aunt Peggy and Emilie went on a grand adventure! We had tickets to go see the Michael Buble show! I am not a great fan of jazz music (at all), but I was fun. Before the concert, we went to a few stores on the strip. My mom bought me a pearl necklace that I adore. (I do love pearls. They are classy and elegant without being too flashy.) We ate dinner, then made our way through the maze of the MGM (here is the lion outside of it)
to go to the concert!
We did have to wait. For a long long time. But we kept ourselves entertained quite well, I assure you.
The warm-up band was Naturally 7 (please see side bar for videos) and they totally rocked! I really enjoyed their performance. Then, with a big dramatic entrance, Michael Buble appeared! He sang beautifully, and was funny, and the British people in front of us were quite hilarious. My mom and I, unfortunately, epic failed at working the camcorder, so we got no video, which is kind of tragic. Oh well, I'm over it. Getting out of the concert was a mess, but we made it. It was late. Here's the Excalibur hotel at night:
We had a week at home and then BAM! We were off the Arizona in a rented van to go to the wedding. It was a long drive, but due to my fantastic taste in music that I so unselfishly share with my family (that is partially true actually. I like to share stuff that excites me, and music does) and my dad's patient tolerance of said music, and coloring books and colored pencils, we had a pretty fun trip. We stayed in little dumpy town a half hour from Snowflake (called Holbrook) in a rather dumpy, but not quite disgusting, motel. After adventures in the pool and eating dinner and trying not to fuss over grandma who was sick, we went to sleep.
The next morning, we went in two packs to the temple. The first pack included those who were to attend the ceremony. The second was for those who would greet them outside. I was the chauffeur for this group. I was nervous since I have hardly driven outside of my home town, but it was a really easy (and quite dull) drive. Oh, Snowflake isn't named after weather, but after the Snow and Flake families who settled it. I bet you're SO glad I told you that. Here is a picture of the temple:
The ceremony attendees came out looking very happy. My mom told me how very beautiful it was, and has told me since how amazing temple marriage is. I never doubted it, but it's always good to be reminded. Then my mom dragged me and my sisters into the front doors (and I was thinking I was going to be struck down at any moment) to show us the stained glass. It was beautiful. The temple workers gave us a paper that told the story of where it came from. I bet you'll never guess. The Catholic Church gave it to the LDS church. It was quite amazing.
Then the bride and groom made their grand exit (actually, it wasn't really all that grand. They looked kind of awkward and overwhelmed). Picture:
Then we took lots and lots of pictures. Here is a picture of both families:
And just my family:
And the new marrieds:
(The tragically almost good picture.)
(John is a great purse holder for bride and groom stalkers.)
After that, we went to a pretty old church meeting place for a luncheon. It was fun and intimate. Here they are again:
Oh, and I was very entertained by my ice, as you will see.
Then my family went back to Holbrook, changed clothes, and ventured off the the Petrified Forest National Park. We had a lot of fun trying (and failing) to resist the temptation to take a little bitty piece of petrified wood, and my mom bought me a pretty purple pot. Here are some pictures from that day:
That's a fire pit inside a pueblo called Agate House.
More of the Agate House.
The next day we had nothing to do in particular in the morning, so we went back to the park, from the opposite end. That end showed more of the Painted Desert. Pictures:
That's the park's inn.
Yes, he was moody that day. But the Puerco Pueblo and Petroglyphs cheered him up a bit:
We went back to the hotel to get ready for the reception that was a couple hours away when we ran into a problem. New Mexico time is an hour ahead of Arizona time, so we were running an hour behind! But with some teamwork (meaning Michelle blowed my hair dry while I applied makeup) we left on time. Here is a picture of a cool mesa we saw on the way there:
We got there early and had some difficulty finding the bride's parents' home, but got there eventually. We changed there and headed to the brides' sister's house where the reception was held outside. It was such a fun reception! I think almost everybody who attended were related to the bride, so it was a family reunion thing. Her family made my little family feel very included though, dancing us around the porch until we were dizzy and telling us stories. I loved the moment when one of her uncles sang some of her grandpa's songs. It was touching to have the grandpa included in that special way.
We made the long drive home and went to bed. The next morning we got up, fought for the waffle maker with some other hotel guests (I was there first, I swear), and got on the road. The only eventful thing about the drive home was stopping at Lake Powell for lunch. I got a few pictures, but I picked this one at random to share:
A couple weeks later we had an open house in Orem. Carl's army buddies and some of my family were there. I have to admit that I didn't have much fun. It was good to see my not-so-little anymore cousins and my aunt that I hadn't seen for a handful of years, but I did more serving than socializing while everyone else did more socializing than serving. Oh well, the punch bowl stayed full.
The end!
"I cannot say the smallest part which I feel. . ."
(Alma 26:16- Ammon speaking of not being able to put into words all the joy he felt.)
Unfortunately, it isn't joy that I cannot say the smallest part of. I wasn't going to mention anything of it in my blog, but I feel the need to put it somewhere. It's something that has hurt me and others quite deeply. But some of my feelings cannot be expressed here. Some of my feelings cannot be expressed. These feelings are due to a choice that someone dear to me and my family has made that separates them from the things that are truly, honestly, eternally good, right and true. (Yes, truly true. That was a good one.)
Let me just say that I currently feel all of the following things, though not usually all at the same time. Imagine watching a carousel. The same things go around and around, nothing appears all at once, though some things do appear together. But this carousel doesn't have horses or sea creatures (like in my California post) but a variety of emotions:
Hurt.
Anger.
Jealousy.
Numbness.
Betrayal.
Gratitude.
Sorrow.
Guilt.
Hurt & Sorrow.
Numbness & Shame.
Guilt.
Jealousy.
Loneliness.
(Oh geez, iTunes is playing a song called Carousel by Norah Jones. Creepy.) Though some of these feelings are a direct result of the choice this loved one made, a great many of them appeared upon reflection on the situation. The process of collecting them all has gone something like this.
When I first learned about the situation, I felt anger. Anger to be burdened with it. Angry that it happened. Angry that it had been hidden for so long. Anger. Then I felt hurt. Couldn't they feel like they could talk to me about it, and possibly have made a better choice? Then sorrow. The choice can't bring joy. To anyone. Then I felt a sense of betrayal. How could they? After they had been given so much, how could they just give it all up? Then more anger. How could they think the rules, the laws of heaven, truth, could be changed for them? Then guilt for assuming they thought that. I have no right to judge.
After a little more reflection, the jealousy came. The choice they made, though wrong, gives them a chance at something I have wanted for some time. I feel so horribly jealous. I see their facade of happiness and it makes me jealous. Then I feel guilty for feeling jealous. After I realize how irrational the jealousy is, I feel gratitude for having lived as I should. I am grateful for the blessings I have received for trying to live in accordance with what I KNOW to be true. Not that I am as strong as, say, the Lamanites who "were brought to believe and to know the truth, they were firm, and would suffer even unto death rather than commit sin" (Alma 24:19). Then I feel sorrow again because of the deprivation of blessings this person will experience (at least for the time being). Then came the numbness trying to block it all out and act normally for my students, orchestra members, family, etc.
Once I let go of the numbness, all the previously mentioned emotions cloud over me again. Then I try to think of someone to talk to about all this because I am tired of the numbness, and I can think of nobody to tell. I have a wonderful supportive family to talk to, but I have heard from their lips most everything I would say, and am still feeling reservations about sharing my personal feelings, and they don't need to be burdened with anything else. I have a few friends, some who would be willing to listen, but some of them I don't feel comfortable opening up completely, and some I hesitate to talk to because I don't want to open up such a level of intimacy. Then I feel dreadfully lonely. Lonely. Lonely. If only I had a confidante.
Then voila, I remember something wonderful! Then I pray for forgiveness and to be able to forgive. Guilt. I ask to be free from the betrayal, anger, jealousy, and guilt. I express all the hidden things I feel and know that though some of these things are totally selfish, I am still a beloved daughter of my Heavenly Father. And my Savior loves me and will help take the burden away and be cleansed from all my selfish feelings.
I feel lots better, and I feel gratitude for the power of prayer and for a loving Father in Heaven who listens and a Savior who mediates on my behalf. So very grateful.
But I still feel lonely. I still want to be able to tell someone all these things. I want to be able to cry on their shoulder and have them hold me. Not even necessarily a male. Just a friend. But I am so blasted reserved and shy that I can't think of anyone to do this with. So I feel more gratitude for prayer. And more loneliness. Ick.
Anyway, if you read this post and wish to help, you can pray for my family, and the good person who made a bad choice. And maybe for people everywhere in the same plight.
The end.
Unfortunately, it isn't joy that I cannot say the smallest part of. I wasn't going to mention anything of it in my blog, but I feel the need to put it somewhere. It's something that has hurt me and others quite deeply. But some of my feelings cannot be expressed here. Some of my feelings cannot be expressed. These feelings are due to a choice that someone dear to me and my family has made that separates them from the things that are truly, honestly, eternally good, right and true. (Yes, truly true. That was a good one.)
Let me just say that I currently feel all of the following things, though not usually all at the same time. Imagine watching a carousel. The same things go around and around, nothing appears all at once, though some things do appear together. But this carousel doesn't have horses or sea creatures (like in my California post) but a variety of emotions:
Hurt.
Anger.
Jealousy.
Numbness.
Betrayal.
Gratitude.
Sorrow.
Guilt.
Hurt & Sorrow.
Numbness & Shame.
Guilt.
Jealousy.
Loneliness.
(Oh geez, iTunes is playing a song called Carousel by Norah Jones. Creepy.) Though some of these feelings are a direct result of the choice this loved one made, a great many of them appeared upon reflection on the situation. The process of collecting them all has gone something like this.
When I first learned about the situation, I felt anger. Anger to be burdened with it. Angry that it happened. Angry that it had been hidden for so long. Anger. Then I felt hurt. Couldn't they feel like they could talk to me about it, and possibly have made a better choice? Then sorrow. The choice can't bring joy. To anyone. Then I felt a sense of betrayal. How could they? After they had been given so much, how could they just give it all up? Then more anger. How could they think the rules, the laws of heaven, truth, could be changed for them? Then guilt for assuming they thought that. I have no right to judge.
After a little more reflection, the jealousy came. The choice they made, though wrong, gives them a chance at something I have wanted for some time. I feel so horribly jealous. I see their facade of happiness and it makes me jealous. Then I feel guilty for feeling jealous. After I realize how irrational the jealousy is, I feel gratitude for having lived as I should. I am grateful for the blessings I have received for trying to live in accordance with what I KNOW to be true. Not that I am as strong as, say, the Lamanites who "were brought to believe and to know the truth, they were firm, and would suffer even unto death rather than commit sin" (Alma 24:19). Then I feel sorrow again because of the deprivation of blessings this person will experience (at least for the time being). Then came the numbness trying to block it all out and act normally for my students, orchestra members, family, etc.
Once I let go of the numbness, all the previously mentioned emotions cloud over me again. Then I try to think of someone to talk to about all this because I am tired of the numbness, and I can think of nobody to tell. I have a wonderful supportive family to talk to, but I have heard from their lips most everything I would say, and am still feeling reservations about sharing my personal feelings, and they don't need to be burdened with anything else. I have a few friends, some who would be willing to listen, but some of them I don't feel comfortable opening up completely, and some I hesitate to talk to because I don't want to open up such a level of intimacy. Then I feel dreadfully lonely. Lonely. Lonely. If only I had a confidante.
Then voila, I remember something wonderful! Then I pray for forgiveness and to be able to forgive. Guilt. I ask to be free from the betrayal, anger, jealousy, and guilt. I express all the hidden things I feel and know that though some of these things are totally selfish, I am still a beloved daughter of my Heavenly Father. And my Savior loves me and will help take the burden away and be cleansed from all my selfish feelings.
I feel lots better, and I feel gratitude for the power of prayer and for a loving Father in Heaven who listens and a Savior who mediates on my behalf. So very grateful.
But I still feel lonely. I still want to be able to tell someone all these things. I want to be able to cry on their shoulder and have them hold me. Not even necessarily a male. Just a friend. But I am so blasted reserved and shy that I can't think of anyone to do this with. So I feel more gratitude for prayer. And more loneliness. Ick.
Anyway, if you read this post and wish to help, you can pray for my family, and the good person who made a bad choice. And maybe for people everywhere in the same plight.
The end.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Dreams. . . and an awesome August concert!
If you would rather not hear about part of the weirder side of me, skip the paragraph that follows this warning.
So, as I think a lot of you know by now, I often have trouble sleeping. But what less people know is that when I have trouble sleeping I also have pretty crazy, vivid dreams. Sometimes they are just about normal, everyday things, but always with the weird dream displacements. But I often have a few dreams that are very different in setting, characters, and such, have the same basic plot. There is me trying going about trying to save the world. I start out by myself. I always have a cause. Once I was trying to stop a law from being passed, once I was trying to expose a leader's lie, most lately from some sort of fantastical evil force, etc. Also, I am always trying to protect someone. This has often been my siblings in a younger form, or sometimes as they are now. Once it was a group of orphans. Most often they are children and they are rarely my own. The other thing that always exists is that someone that I do not know, who is almost always male, who does not know me, joins me because he cares about the same cause and he helps me protect the (usually) children who could be harmed. Our lives are always in danger but we never die. I never find out if I succeeded in saving the world or not, or what happens to the person who helps me. It's really weird, I know. I just thought of it because I had one last night. Maybe I will write a book one day about one of these crazy dreams!
Well, after Disneyland, my mom and I went to Zion on free National Parks day and had more fun than we probably should have. We were both tired so everything was abnormally fun. We went on the river walk. For most of the walk, we were near an Asian couple with a little boy and a littler, maybe two year old, girl. It was fun. Anyway, here are some pictures of the river walk:
See the fish?
We had far too much fun chasing squirrels. Well, not really chasing. I just wanted to get a good picture. There were lots of French people there that day and I am sure they thought I was the stupidest American they had ever seen. Here were some of the attempts:
When the creatures were really close to us, the father of the little girl I mentioned earlier put her on the ground so she could see them up close. They got right up close to her and she cried and put her arms up for her dad to save her. Me and my mom and the girl's family laughed. I thought it amazing that we could understand and share that moment in the same way without speaking the same language. I knew it was possible but it had never happened before.
But we finally sat down by this part of the river:
For a snack, and look what I got!
Then we headed back down, being sure to touch every cool looking, wet rock we could. We even found this nifty dam place we hadn't seen before:
By then we were exhausted, mostly due to sleep deprivation. We went to the gift shop (which my mom and I love) where she bought an alabaster sculpture. We got ice cream and then decided to go look at the Fatali gallery. Sadly, it was closed. We were very disappointed. So to cope with our disappointment, we found a restaurant and ate lunch. That ended our adventures for the day.
That weekend, I went with my buddy Sam to a Carrie Rodriguez show. There aren't very many of her songs on playlist.com, but I will post a couple and then recommend that you look her up. She is sort of a singer-songwriter/folk/country artist. She sings, plays the fiddle insanely well, plus the guitar and mandolin. It was amazing to see her live. Me and Sam both bought CDs and had them autographed and talked to Carrie for a bit. I will try to post a video or two of her on the sidebar. Here are a few photos of us and the stage. Look to the sidebar for videos of Carrie!
So, as I think a lot of you know by now, I often have trouble sleeping. But what less people know is that when I have trouble sleeping I also have pretty crazy, vivid dreams. Sometimes they are just about normal, everyday things, but always with the weird dream displacements. But I often have a few dreams that are very different in setting, characters, and such, have the same basic plot. There is me trying going about trying to save the world. I start out by myself. I always have a cause. Once I was trying to stop a law from being passed, once I was trying to expose a leader's lie, most lately from some sort of fantastical evil force, etc. Also, I am always trying to protect someone. This has often been my siblings in a younger form, or sometimes as they are now. Once it was a group of orphans. Most often they are children and they are rarely my own. The other thing that always exists is that someone that I do not know, who is almost always male, who does not know me, joins me because he cares about the same cause and he helps me protect the (usually) children who could be harmed. Our lives are always in danger but we never die. I never find out if I succeeded in saving the world or not, or what happens to the person who helps me. It's really weird, I know. I just thought of it because I had one last night. Maybe I will write a book one day about one of these crazy dreams!
Well, after Disneyland, my mom and I went to Zion on free National Parks day and had more fun than we probably should have. We were both tired so everything was abnormally fun. We went on the river walk. For most of the walk, we were near an Asian couple with a little boy and a littler, maybe two year old, girl. It was fun. Anyway, here are some pictures of the river walk:
See the fish?
We had far too much fun chasing squirrels. Well, not really chasing. I just wanted to get a good picture. There were lots of French people there that day and I am sure they thought I was the stupidest American they had ever seen. Here were some of the attempts:
When the creatures were really close to us, the father of the little girl I mentioned earlier put her on the ground so she could see them up close. They got right up close to her and she cried and put her arms up for her dad to save her. Me and my mom and the girl's family laughed. I thought it amazing that we could understand and share that moment in the same way without speaking the same language. I knew it was possible but it had never happened before.
But we finally sat down by this part of the river:
For a snack, and look what I got!
Then we headed back down, being sure to touch every cool looking, wet rock we could. We even found this nifty dam place we hadn't seen before:
By then we were exhausted, mostly due to sleep deprivation. We went to the gift shop (which my mom and I love) where she bought an alabaster sculpture. We got ice cream and then decided to go look at the Fatali gallery. Sadly, it was closed. We were very disappointed. So to cope with our disappointment, we found a restaurant and ate lunch. That ended our adventures for the day.
That weekend, I went with my buddy Sam to a Carrie Rodriguez show. There aren't very many of her songs on playlist.com, but I will post a couple and then recommend that you look her up. She is sort of a singer-songwriter/folk/country artist. She sings, plays the fiddle insanely well, plus the guitar and mandolin. It was amazing to see her live. Me and Sam both bought CDs and had them autographed and talked to Carrie for a bit. I will try to post a video or two of her on the sidebar. Here are a few photos of us and the stage. Look to the sidebar for videos of Carrie!
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