"I cannot say the smallest part which I feel. . ."

(Alma 26:16- Ammon speaking of not being able to put into words all the joy he felt.)

Unfortunately, it isn't joy that I cannot say the smallest part of. I wasn't going to mention anything of it in my blog, but I feel the need to put it somewhere. It's something that has hurt me and others quite deeply. But some of my feelings cannot be expressed here. Some of my feelings cannot be expressed. These feelings are due to a choice that someone dear to me and my family has made that separates them from the things that are truly, honestly, eternally good, right and true. (Yes, truly true. That was a good one.)

Let me just say that I currently feel all of the following things, though not usually all at the same time. Imagine watching a carousel. The same things go around and around, nothing appears all at once, though some things do appear together. But this carousel doesn't have horses or sea creatures (like in my California post) but a variety of emotions:

Hurt.
Anger.
Jealousy.
Numbness.
Betrayal.
Gratitude.
Sorrow.
Guilt.
Hurt & Sorrow.
Numbness & Shame.
Guilt.
Jealousy.
Loneliness.

(Oh geez, iTunes is playing a song called Carousel by Norah Jones. Creepy.) Though some of these feelings are a direct result of the choice this loved one made, a great many of them appeared upon reflection on the situation. The process of collecting them all has gone something like this.

When I first learned about the situation, I felt anger. Anger to be burdened with it. Angry that it happened. Angry that it had been hidden for so long. Anger. Then I felt hurt. Couldn't they feel like they could talk to me about it, and possibly have made a better choice? Then sorrow. The choice can't bring joy. To anyone. Then I felt a sense of betrayal. How could they? After they had been given so much, how could they just give it all up? Then more anger. How could they think the rules, the laws of heaven, truth, could be changed for them? Then guilt for assuming they thought that. I have no right to judge.

After a little more reflection, the jealousy came. The choice they made, though wrong, gives them a chance at something I have wanted for some time. I feel so horribly jealous. I see their facade of happiness and it makes me jealous. Then I feel guilty for feeling jealous. After I realize how irrational the jealousy is, I feel gratitude for having lived as I should. I am grateful for the blessings I have received for trying to live in accordance with what I KNOW to be true. Not that I am as strong as, say, the Lamanites who "were brought to believe and to know the truth, they were firm, and would suffer even unto death rather than commit sin" (Alma 24:19). Then I feel sorrow again because of the deprivation of blessings this person will experience (at least for the time being). Then came the numbness trying to block it all out and act normally for my students, orchestra members, family, etc.

Once I let go of the numbness, all the previously mentioned emotions cloud over me again. Then I try to think of someone to talk to about all this because I am tired of the numbness, and I can think of nobody to tell. I have a wonderful supportive family to talk to, but I have heard from their lips most everything I would say, and am still feeling reservations about sharing my personal feelings, and they don't need to be burdened with anything else. I have a few friends, some who would be willing to listen, but some of them I don't feel comfortable opening up completely, and some I hesitate to talk to because I don't want to open up such a level of intimacy. Then I feel dreadfully lonely. Lonely. Lonely. If only I had a confidante.

Then voila, I remember something wonderful! Then I pray for forgiveness and to be able to forgive. Guilt. I ask to be free from the betrayal, anger, jealousy, and guilt. I express all the hidden things I feel and know that though some of these things are totally selfish, I am still a beloved daughter of my Heavenly Father. And my Savior loves me and will help take the burden away and be cleansed from all my selfish feelings.

I feel lots better, and I feel gratitude for the power of prayer and for a loving Father in Heaven who listens and a Savior who mediates on my behalf. So very grateful.

But I still feel lonely. I still want to be able to tell someone all these things. I want to be able to cry on their shoulder and have them hold me. Not even necessarily a male. Just a friend. But I am so blasted reserved and shy that I can't think of anyone to do this with. So I feel more gratitude for prayer. And more loneliness. Ick.

Anyway, if you read this post and wish to help, you can pray for my family, and the good person who made a bad choice. And maybe for people everywhere in the same plight.

The end.