Things on my mind

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my grandpa Jackman. I miss him actually. He died when I was 6, kind of tragically. I don’t really know all the details, but from what I understand he was depressed and became an alcoholic and died from liver problems. I don’t really know exactly if that’s right, I have never asked anyone outright, so that’s just what I’ve picked up here and there. But that’s not the point.
I loved my grandpa. My mom tells me I was really shy around him and then to get me to warm up to him, he would hide a candy bar in his shirt pocket and pull it out and tease me with it. I don’t remember that, but I do remember other things about him. After dinner, we would always have watermelon when we went to his house. This was more special for my brother I think, but I loved it too. We all had watermelon time nicknames. I know someone’s was Clementine Kadiddlehopper, and I think I may have been mine. Someone else’s was Arigimatortis Asortafortus. That, I am quite certain, was either Carl’s or my grandpa’s. Don’t really know. I don’t know where they came from, but it was always fun.
The other thing about my grandpa that I remember well was that he would get up very early to feed the birds. This always intrigued me. One morning I got up and saw him out by the tree where the feeder was, right there with the birds. I was sitting at the table just inside the screen door, and he beckoned me to go out with him. When I did, the birds kind of flew away for a second, but they came right back. I sat on the porch and watched how unafraid of him they were. If I remember right, a couple would sit on his finger, but that may have been my child’s imagination. Either way, those birds did not fear him. I always remember how gentle he was. I don’t think I remember him well or really did a lot with him, but I sure did love him.
What I don’t understand exactly is why I think about him a lot lately. But I do have a couple theories. One is that I crave having someone male to talk to. I have male friends I can talk to, but that never works out well for me. I have my dad, but I couldn’t really talk to him, but I do love him dearly. Sometimes I picture me at my grandma and grandpa’s house, sitting at their kitchen table, just talking to him about life. I don’t know if that’s something that ever would have happened if he had lived, but it is sure a good scene in my imagination.
My other theory, though related, and what everything really comes down to, is that I just feel like something is missing, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. I keep hearing about people dying or moving or whatever, and some of them are people I hardly know, but every time, it makes me feel that hole in my heart that’s almost always there. Like the landlord’s twin brother moved out of the house, and I talked to him maybe three times, but I really feel a sense of loss with him leaving. And the lady that worked at the front desk of the place I have taken my care to be fixed a couple times died of an aneurism. She was so young. I hardly dealt with her, but still, I feel a sense of loss. And sometimes I think those things happening just remind me of the part of my life, whatever it is, that seems to be missing. And I wonder if missing my grandpa is just me trying to find a way to fill that void.
On a seemingly unrelated but similar note, I don’t think I will go anywhere after I graduate school this year. I may have one class to take next year, but I still consider myself done. Anyway, my body is totally burned out right now, so I think I will just stick around for a year and teach violin and save money, and maybe even take piano and guitar lessons like I have always wanted to. After that, maybe grad school if I am feeling up to it, maybe a mission, though that seems less likely, or maybe I will just stay here and teach for a while, I just really don’t know. But that’s looking quite far into the future; I will try to stick to looking one year down the road for the time being.
Well, there are the thoughts I have been thinking recently.
Goodnight!

Moments

Well, this is kind of a random blog. I just have a couple things I wanted to write about, so here goes!

The other night, or morning I guess, I had a really interesting dream. Those of you who know me well know that sometimes I have dreams that seem so real that it takes me several hours, or sometimes even days, to shake them off. In this particular dream, I was at school, in a class with a girl I knew from the class, and there was a bombing or something like that. I got panicked because I knew I had a friend in the part of campus that got hit, and so did the girl in my class. I hadn't talked to this friend in a long time and I had a horrible sinking feeling. What if they died and I hadn't done anything for them in their life? Anyway, all the students were taken somewhere (don't know where it was. Somewhere safe I suppose) until they knew campus was safe. The whole time I was worried about my friend. Finally some firemen told us that campus was safe now, but a lot of people died or had been disfigured. They told us where we could find people who had been killed because for some reason they couldn't identify them.

I went to the building with my friend. The scene was awful. To skip all the gross details, I was looking for my friend, sure I would find them among the dead. My classmate found someone she knew and that made me panic even more. My dread kept getting more and more serious, then I looked down the hallway, and there was my friend walking towards me. He was rather seriously hurt, but not dead! I was so happy to see him, I ran to him and gave him a huge hug and cried really hard (for real too, not just in my dream). The relief I felt was indescribable.

The really strange part about this dream is that the friend who was in the dream has been struggling, and I think it was an awakening to get my to help them. I was really glad it happened. It made me realize the responsibility I have as a friend.

Anyway, now you know the weird depths of me. Well, of my dreams at least.

So, today I had a pretty normal day. I found out that I had been volunteered for a few things that made my life a little bit more stressful, but nothing too awful. When I got home from teaching, I was figuring out some money stuff since I got paid this week, and I realized I would have enough to pay rent in advance. I was pretty excited. Then I went to look at my bank account online, only to find that I had forgotten about some things I bought and my account was way in the negative numbers (mostly thanks to the fact that the bank loves me so much and loves to charge me fees that are 5x what I overdrafted). The worst part was because of a purchase I made at the end of last month that went onto the wrong bank account, it was the second time it had happened. My mom helped me out the first time, and I was dreading telling her that I needed help again, for being a complete moron with money. So I called her up and told her I needed help. She asked what I needed, and before I could fully explain my predicament, I just started bawling. So she said she would come over to my apartment.

I cried the whole time she was driving here because I was so frustrated for being so irresponsible, and for letting her down and making her give me money. But when she got to my place, she gave me a hug and told me it would be ok. Then she got on my computer and gave me what I needed and helped me figure out my money stuff. Then she took me out to dinner and we just talked. She was so nice to me and made me feel so loved. I will never be able to repay her. I have the best mom in the world. http://heatherraesmusings.blogspot.com/2008/12/few-end-of-semester-thoughts.html This link goes into more detail of the thoughts I had about it today.

Lastly, I have been getting to know one of my roommates better the last few days. I knew Emilie (obviously) and Sam already, but me and Tina found we had some common frustrations, and talking about those opened up a friendship between us. I feel like myself around her now, which is how I know I have made a real friend. It's actually really hard for me to make real friends to the point where I feel like myself around them. So I am glad to have had the opportunity to get to know her.

That's all.
(Hee hee, I got that from The Devil Wears Prada, by the way.)

Senior Pictures

Well, not much of note has happened since the last time I blogged. I have gone to school, gotten some new violin students, met my neighbors, gotten sick a few times (actually, I'm starting to wonder if I was ever better!), and laughed a lot at unreasonable hours of the morning. But this last weekend, I got to go on some adventures with my friend and get some pictures for my senior recital poster. They turned out really good! It was fun having people ask what I was doing, or just giving me weird looks (or stares in a couple cases). What can I say, when I am expecting attention I rather enjoy it! (On the converse, if I am not prepared for it, I hate it.)

Anyway, here are some of my favorite shots and edits.

















Some of them I obviously won't use for my poster, but they were just fun shots. It's a good thing I have until late March to pick the ones I will use, because I like so many of them! Gotta narrow it down to 4.

Well that's all for now. Bye bye!

The end of summer and beginning of school!

Well, it's been quite a while since I have blogged, and quite a lot has happened. I guess the first thing that I should mention since the last time I wrote is the family reunion!

So, me and my family went to Montpelier Idaho, which is very near Bear Lake, for a little family reunion with my dad's side over the weekend of the 24th of July. It was really fun to see my family! Friday night we went to a relay for life. It was neat to see all the people there gathered together for the same cause. My grandma died of breast cancer and Alzheimer's disease so it was in her memory. Saturday we watched a movie with my cousins, and then went to a cave. It was really fun. The cave picture is stolen from my cousin Jason. After the cave we played games for a really long time and then went to bed. Then Saturday we got up and drove home. I know, that's really really interesting.



When we came home I was sick for three days and once I got over that I got something else. It was weird.

Anyway, my next adventure was with Tyson. We went looking for locations for my senior pictures and ended up taking a few shots too. It was a very adventurous day to be sure. Here are my favorite shots.








The moonlight ones are for my senior recital, since the theme is dreams, fantasy, mystery, etc.

The next week, I went to the lake with Jason and jet skiied for the first time. It was really fun! I have always like the water and it made me feel very free! I also really had fun with his adorable little sister. I just like their family in general. Anyway, after the lake we went to Olive Garden and had a delicious dinner. In our lake clothing, ha ha.

That was my last adventure of the summer, sadly, but it was definitely a good one!

After that, I spent a lot of time getting ready for school and to move out. I am now moved in to my cute little basement apartment. I have great roommates, and the landlords upstairs take really really good care of us! It's a really good situation. They have really cute triplet 2 year old girls and are just way nice and helpful and patient. Maybe I will be like them one day.

Hopefully I will have pictures of me and my roomies soon. We have already had some pretty good times!

School has been pretty easy so far. I am taking 2 of my classes online so I can work at my own pace, once I get money to pay for the books for them of course. I hope to have them all finished by week 10.

Well, that's it for now!

Fun Summer Stuff

Well, the last three weeks have actually been much more eventful and exciting than the whole of the summer so far! Three weeks ago, I went to my ward's FHE, and that's where all the fun began.

I went, expecting just a regular old family home evening. We went to the local distribution center thing or whatever it's called and put together literacy kits. Emilie and I worked with 2 silly boys (though Em thought one was cute) and one who was nice and friendly. After we finished, they didn't really speak to us anymore. So we left, but as we were doing so, another guy from the ward caught us and asked who we were and we had a little conversation. He had been conversing with the Sunday school president, who knows me, and who asked if I had a calling yet. I said no, and he smiled his little evil smile and said ok. And then we left.

The following Saturday, I got a phone call from the second counselor in my bishopric. I was not surprised. I had an interview on Tuesday and got called as a gospel doctrine teacher. Yay! I start next week, with a lesson on avoiding the deceptions of Satan and not falling into personal apostasy.

But the Monday before I had the interview, I went on a date in St. George with one of Carl's friends. It was a double with a girl who I knew when I was little. It was really fun. We made up fake names for ourselves, and then played mini golf. Turns out I am not very good at that (not like I didn't already know), but since my date cheated for me, oh, and Carl a couple times, I ended with a very decent score. It was fun. Then we played laser tag, which was way fun! I died a lot, but I did kill people a few times, and I didn't get lost, which is a plus. After that we went to Dairy Queen where me and my date got Arctic Freezes which were really quite good. We talked about some fun things and had a good time.

The next weekend, my family and I went to Orem to see the Oquirrh Mountain Temple dedication. First, we went to Mike and Amy's, some of Carl's friends, where I met Mike for the first time. He is very nice and hospitable. I also met their pug Lily, who was a little exuberant and got hair all over me, but fun and funny. We then left for the hotel to put some stuff away and then went to the temple.

First, you go into a tent and watch a video about temples, especially temples in Utah. Two of my relatives were mentioned, Archibald and Robert Gardener, and my mom was pretty excited. And I was a little excited too. There were girls in back of me that were apparently related too, but we didn't talk to them.

Then we went into the temple, which was beautiful of course. The hilight was the sealing room that we actually got to sit in, and heard a little message from a couple who lived close by. John tried to count how many times he could see himself in the opposing mirrors, and my mom cried at seeing our family in them. Here are the pictures we took outside the temple.





The next day, our family plus Mike, Amy and their baby Sophie, went on a little adventure. We went to Cabela's to see the fish, which was pretty fun. They were big and some had strange defects. There were lots of. . . whats the word. . . well, stuffed animals. Zebras, mountain goats, deer, birds, rodents, it was all there. It was fun. After that we went to Thanksgiving point. It was cold, windy, and rainy, but beautiful. I am glad we went. Michelle and I took tons of pictures there.


A Georgia O'Keefe like edit of one of the flowers we took a picture of.


Michelle was trying to take pictures of little Sophie but she just wanted to play with the camera. That is her little hand grabbing the lens.


A mystic dreamer that was in the scent garden, or whatever it was called.


Koi at the pond behind the rose garden. There were tons of them! And they were huge! And actually, very peaceful to watch. Until we fed them.



It was the first time I had seen real lily pads.




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This gorgous picture was taken by Michelle.

Emilie, Michelle and me in the rose garden. So pretty.


The swirly rose!

I really like this one, though I am not exactly sure why. Maybe it's the water? Or the color?

I just thought this would make a cool shot. It reminds me of Rivendell.

A cool view.








Sophie having fun with my hands.


The next noteworthy event happened this past Monday. Well, that's where it started. I went to FHE, and an old friend from high school was there. We hung out a log my senior year in high school, and he took me to prom. We talked a lot and it was just fun. I also threw rocks at one of my dumb old neighbor boys, which was also fun. Then Wednesday I went on a date. We went to dinner at Chili's, which is always fun since you can play tic tac toe with the coasters and the tiles on the table. We had great food. Then we went to a park and swung, or swinged, whichever, which I like to do. Then we went to Transformers, which was good, but I was disappointed at how many dirty little things it snuck in there. If it hadn't been for those things, I would have thought it an excellent movie. Anyway, it was still fun though.

Next thing happened yesterday. I had a recital for all my students. It was very fun and rewarding. They were all terriffied and all played very well. Photographs by R. Tyson Vance


Trio by Miranda, me, and Michelle. It is a very pretty song, and it went quite well for how little we had rehearsed.


Michelle played Meditation beautifully. And she looks lovely in my skirt :) She also has a gorgeous violin.


Cammie has only been playing for 6 months and is sounding very very good. She plays well in tune and tries her very best.




That would be me playing something. Mostly I like this picture because it shows just how powerful a pair of shoes can be. Yes!


So cute!



She always plays well, and is fun.



Another great young violinist.


Ah, he is SO cute! And played really well, even though the poor little guy was terriffied!


She is such a perfectionist. She messed up and was very upset. But nobody played perfectly. Hopefully she will learn to not be too hard on herself.


Playing the Bach Double Conerto with a lady who has stuck with me for a long time.


John, who figured he needed to entertain everybody at the expense of acting properly as he was instructed, and even getting through his whole song withoug being "funny". Oh well, he will learn.

The whole crew! Aren't they just so cute? Yes, yes they are.